Moments of anger and doubt. I often wondered ifmy nature was truly submissive or if I was merely playing at something beyondmy understanding. Did my u...timate pleasure lie in totally pleasing another?At times, I found myself rebelling against the subjugation of my individualityand uncomfortable with the feeling of being absorbed by a stronger will. Needlessto say, these displays of willfulness displeased my Master. I was unhappy aswell. It was a situation that demanded resolution. I was told. ’ ‘Tell me why,’ I said, taking a tube of red acrylic from the bench. ‘It’s bold and strong, plus I like warm colors – although I suppose red might fall into the category of hot rather than warm.’ I reached to the bench for tubes of yellow, burnt sienna and white. ‘But maybe the best thing about red,’ she continued, ‘is that it’s such a passionate color. Red makes no compromises or apologies for its fire, strength or boldness – it’s about power, desire, maybe even lust, if that’s possible. The tone that I can't resist came out of his mouth. The one that makes my heart melt and sink all at once. It is the hurt tone. The one I heard three years ago tonight. The one he used when he said, "I'll wait." Baby Doll, don't go, stay. I need to speak to you, please," Mike said in the hurt tone.All my feelings hit me at once. Fear, hurt, loneliness, love.Well somebody's talkingHe's whispering to me,Your place or my place well which will it be,I'm getting weaker, and he's coming on strong,But. My uniform is on the floor and it is filthy. I pick it up and carry it to the washing machine. I stuff it in and start the washer.I should be hungry but I’m not. I sit in my room and comb my wet hair while the washer finishes. I move the uniform to the dryer and go to bed. I am asleep the minute my head hits the pillow. I dream of my rape again and wake up the next morning screaming. My Mom is at my side and hugs me.“Baby, it will be ok.” She says and holds me.I stop screaming and just.
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