Daily routines running through my head. She feels I'm being distant. She thinks I don't want her, and that she has had enough of being second best. Bu... that's not true. I love her so much, and my greatest pleasure, is her pleasure. I want her to know that so bad. I tryed to gentely wake her, but with no success. She looks so beautiful lying there peaceful, but I want her so bad. If she only knew how bad. I guess I should show her more often. I can't help myself but to touch her, and kiss her.. I watch it for a little while and then I threw it in the trash. I was struggling with the devil, but I was also the devil.I want the world of sexual hedonism, but I want to love good people, and I want the light of God. I don't want to lose my soul, and I my evil is hidden within the fold. It is in a place that only God and Satan can see it. God and Satan lead me home. I hate neither of them. I love them both. I am black, but that does not absolve me of guilt. Being black is not my. You can't imagine how reassuring it is to be able to just do as she says. Not to think. Just to do. I never get into trouble if I just do as I am told. Presently, I make my way upstairs.Neena is sitting behind the desk checking her emails. She has been outside running. She's still wearing her shorts and vest, her trainers. There's the healthy glow of effort shining from her forehead. Even though it's cool outside, she's been sweating. I can see a dark crescent of perspiration on her vest under. After a moment's hesitation she got out of the car and ran to catch me. Then she put her arm in mine so we would look like we were together.Once inside the apartment, she looked around curiously, seeing it for the first time. Under strict instructions from Jan and Laura to behave, I had not only overlooked her womanhood, I had never even invited her into my lair."Sit on the sofa, I'll get us a cold one," as I started my campaign to make peace.On the way to get the beer, I detoured to change.
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